April 22, 2011

Dreams Of Smashing A Syndicated Chick

We've all been there. A late night, you're home alone. Your texts are going unanswered. You're starting to doubt yourself. That six pack of Twisted Tea in the fridge beckons.  So you start flipping around the old idiot box. As usual, you land on Nick At Nite. And suddenly, you feel a surge of life coursing through your veins. Something deep inside of you stirs anew. It's the ladies of syndicated television. They are our goddesses of projected fantasies. But who, of our harem of hotness, reigns supreme?                                 

Topanga Lawrence
Pros: She's smart, knowledgeable of the world and stacked like a brick shithouse.
Cons: She falls for goobers like Corey Matthews.

Topanga shed her weird hippyness somewhere between the ages of 12 and 14. This boosted her hotness exponentially. Hopefully she retained her ideas of free love and freakishness. She comes from a broken home, so that bodes well for those who wish to move in on some "I'm there for you" shit. Hips don't lie, and with DAT ASS, her hips are speaking volumes.

Kelly Bundy
Pros: Blonde, easy and dumb as a brick shithouse.
Cons: Gonna dump you for the next jackass on a bike.

What can be said of Kelly Bundy that hasn't been said of a pet rock? The poster girl of 90s promiscuity, Ms. Bundy (Kelly if you're nasty) bore the brunt of brother Bud's insults on her intelligence. (Holler at some alliteration!) But every now and then, she'd show an inkling of being in on the joke. The fact that she comes from a family of meager means would imply that she might be looking to marry up. Although her obvious daddy complex should give some hope to the shoe salesmen out there.

Winnie Cooper
Pros: The prototypical girl next door: pretty, yet attainable.
Cons: Cock blocking Kevin Arnold.

Winnie is a bit on the prudish side, but with those bedroom eyes, she can afford to be. She excels at pretty much everything she tries, which can intimidate some guys. The smart ones will use this to their advantage and engage her competitive side. Or, you can be a dick like my man K to the A and take advantage of her vulnerability right after she finds out her brother was killed in Vietnam. Whatevs.

Kelly Kapowski
Pros: She's Kelly Ka-fucking-powski
Cons: You kidding me? She's Kelly Ka-fucking-powski

Jesus Christ. If you're still reading this looking for reasons to fall in love with this girl, I...I just don't know what to tell you. Yeah, she messed around with that jerk Jeff, but still...she's Kelly Ka-fucking-powski. This girl gives me a boner the size of Zack Morris' cell phone.

Blanche Devereaux

Oh fuck you. Like you haven't thought about it.

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