February 16, 2012

The Stuart Pankin Drinking Game

Ed. note: We at Required Reading do not endorse/condone/advocate binge drinking in any shape or form. Even if it is in honor of a character actor whose heyday was the late 80s-mid 90s.

I can hear you now. "Who the hell is Stuart Pankin?" Well, who the hell are you? Seriously. Did you play Michael Douglas' buddy in Fatal Attraction? How many installments of the Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century trilogy did you appear in? Cause Stuart Pankin was in all three. Yes, that includes Zenon: The Zequel, bitch! Oh, and was that you flexing that raw acting prowess in a little film called Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves, alongside none other than some Ukrainian ex-pat actress by the name of Mila Kunis?

Now that we've established just who the F Stuart Pankin is, let's get to the drankin'!

So, you probably don't recognize the name. But if you were anywhere near a TV in the last 25 years, chances are you're familiar with Stuart Pankin's face. And while he's appeared in a few notable films (the aforementioned Fatal Attraction and Arachnophobia chief amongst them), Pankin has buttered his bread as one of the go-to character actors of his generation. A quick glance at his TV credits is like encyclopedia of what shaped my youth. (Funnily enough, I found these credits on Wikipedia, which is nothing like a real encyclopedia.)

Check it: Barney Miller, Chips, The Golden Girls, Family Ties, Who's The Boss, Knots Landing, Family Matters...and it goes on and on. Not to mention, he voiced Earl Sinclair, the patriarch of the family on ABC's innovative Dinosaurs.

Pankin has an over-the-top style, which lead him to be cast as everything from someone's crazy, over-the-top uncle to someone's zany, over-the-top brother. Naturally, his characters tend to share many of the same off beat quirks.

And so, armed with this information, I present:

The Stuart Pankin Drinking Game

The rules are simple. You can NOT plan to play this game. That's cheating. Ideally, you'll be absent mindedly watching TV. Maybe a character says something like "You know, Steven, my sister and her zany, crazy, over-the-top husband are visiting this week." This is your first cue. Chances are about 78% that this will lead to a Stuart Pankin Drinking Game opportunity. Upon visual (or auditory, as his voice is boisterously recognizable) confirmation, the game begins.

Stuart Pankin
Enters a room loudly
Take a drink of beer
Lights a cigar, despite others’ objections
Take a shot
Gives someone a bear hug, to their chagrin
Chug your beer
Slaps someone on the back, in a chummy way
Take two shots
Plays the bagpipes while people are asleep
Chug your beer, and your friend’s beer
Gives a monologue about how he’s misunderstood and he was “just trying to help.”
Keg stand until he’s done and everyone says “aww”

This is just to give you an idea of what to expect. Feel free to make your own additions and alterations. I think it's time Stuart Pankin is recognized as the cultural cornerstone he is. And there's no better way to celebrate a long and successful career than by getting 100% fall-down blotto!

Cheers, to you all. And cheers to you, Mr. Stuart Pankin! May you bring us the happiness and joy you brought to this lucky young lady way back in 1988!

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