Your Guide To 2012

Well, hey there, kiddies! Been a while. How were your holidays? You're right, I don't care. Me? I spent New Year's Eve avoiding Chinese people as I didn't want things to get awkward at midnight. It's not really their day, is it?

You don't realize it, but I gave you all a gift this year. I didn't subject you to any of my year end lists. You're welcome. See, I'm not a dick like most people. I'm a dick like me. And I know my opinion doesn't mean shit to most of you, so I figured I'd save us all the trouble and just fore go the whole "year end" thing.

But you're not getting off Scot free. Never understood that saying, as most Scots I've met are such filthy, mangy beasts that they have no use for our material possessions anyway. Most wouldn't know how to trade or barter if their disease ridden lives depended on it. Seriously. Scottish people are just the worst. Truly awful, foul smelling human beings. If you can even call them that. But I digress.

See, I have some powers. And I've chosen to use them, typically, for evil. But in this instance, and in the spirit of giving, I've done you all a great service. See, I can travel into the future. I'm all about the element of surprise, so I don't often employ this power. But for you, dear reader, I made an exception. Now, I should note that everything is subject to change, given the whole "Free Will" thing that us humans possess. Ugh. But I'm pretty sure I nailed everything. So without further Gerard Depardieu, I present:

Sy's Handy Dandy Guide To 2012

So, here's the deal. My time travelling abilities are limited to specifically compartmentalized sections. ie. I see everything as it relates to, say, entertainment, at once. And then I start over and see everything about sports, and then politics and so forth. Yeah, it's a weird clause. Almost impossible to believe. But hey, I don't see Dr. Who around here, so take what I'm giving you and be grateful.

So that's how it's gonna go. I'm gonna break it down by categories. Everybody tucked in? Good. Great. Grand. Wonderful. On we go!

2012 In Entertainment

Bieber Marries Kardashian

It's true. In a move that isn't all too surprising, given the lack of stability in Kardashian relationships, The Biebs marries into our favorite American-Armenian family! Believe it or not, least surprised of all is Justin's current flame, Selena Gomez. She's quoted as saying she's "suspected this all along." All of Hollywood turns out for this romantic June mega-event. Of course, due to certain laws being what they are in California, the marriage is held in New York. It is simulcast on every major broadcast channel, as well as a few "cutting edge" cable channels.

If I may steal a bit of thunder, it's my pleasure to introduce to you, for the first time in public, Mr. and Mr. Kardashian-Bieber-DeGeneres(it's complicated)!

The magic was evident from the very start. Congrats, fellas.

CBS Goes Defunct

Facing growing pressure from advertisers to give them "more boobs", "funnier farts", and "fartier boobs", Les Moonves, CEO of CBS Corporation, makes the unprecedented decision to wholly disband the company, effective May 23, 2012, coinciding with the end of the current sweeps period. Moonves cites the "unstoppable behemoth" his successful Monday night comedy line up had become. Specifically pointing out that Two And a Half Men was intended to be an "innocent star vehicle for a recovering alcoholic, cocaine-fueled sex addict" and instead degenerated into a "barrage of one-off dick jokes and 22 minutes of indictable child labor and sex law violations." Specifically, Moonves states "Nobody should, in 2012, be subjected to material referencing Ryan Stiles' penis. That's specifically why we fought World War II."

CBS is quickly bought by NBCUniversalCatholic Church(oh yeah, that happens, too), who use the 24 hour platform to run "Best Of the Tonight Show" in perpetuity. While this move is initially lauded, as the Tonight Show has a rich history dating back to Jack Paar, Johnny Carson and Steve Allen, it's quickly made clear that they meant their definition of the "best" of the Tonight Show. We are subjected to 24 hour loops of Jay Leno showing us typos (which his staff create) and Jay Walking. A lone bright spot in the otherwise dim future of this channel: during Jay Walking, we get concurrent footage of Steve Allen actually rolling around in his grave! He still has it!

The 90s Are Back! (Again!)

As it's wont to do, that pesky decade that just won't go away, the 90s, rears its head again in 2012. Encouraged by the ratings of reruns of popular shows such as the Wonder Years, Doogie House, MD and Growing Pains, Hollywood quickly sets the wayback machine for the era of glow sticks and Cat In The Hat...er...hats.

However, not content with just running the same episodes we've seen a hundred times already, the studios band together to produce new episodes of these beloved series. Actors are let out of their contracts so that they can return to their sitcom roots. Even Martin Scorcese stops taking Leonardo DiCaprio's phone calls until he agrees to reprise the role he was born to play: Luke Somethingorother on Growing Pains. Turns out Marty just couldn't get enough of that wacky Boner and his zany antics.

Even notable curmudgeon Dave Chappele is drawn out of seclusion when he's assured that "things will go right this time." Dave returns to the Hollywood that he once shunned to resume work on his briefly lived, rarely aired mid-90s ABC sitcom, Buddies. Tragically, Dave Chappele takes his own life after a half an hour on the set when a Caucasian stage hand asks him to "do the crack head!" from his Chappele's Show. RIP Dave.

Know what show doesn't come back, though? WINGS. Why? Because Steven Weber is a big jerk who nobody likes! That's why.

That's all for the installment. There's just too much mind blowing stuff happening this year to fit into one post. In fact, I haven't even touched on what happens in the music industry or the cinema. Sorry, I meant movies. I always forget that I'm the only one who still calls movies "the cinema."