December 30, 2010

Amateur Night

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and auld lang syne

-- Robert Burns "Auld Lang Syne" 1788

So, tomorrow is New Year's Eve. The night every year where a bunch of people who kinda know each other force themselves to make up for a year's worth of ignoring each other with one night's worth of revelry and rabble rousing.

I. Don't. Get it.

Sure, the sentiment is fine. Letting go of the past, forgiving old grudges and what have you. But why, oh why, must we all gather and drink to the point of reigniting those old grudges before the ball even drops? Can't we just call each other and say "Hey, Bob, yeah you slept with my wife, but hey, it's a new year, no hard feelings *rim shot*?" Why should I have to be in the same room as the jerk and act like it's all gravy and throw confetti just because the clock went from 11:59pm to 12:00am?

I say if we're going to celebrate the passing of time, we should do it every time we go from one day to the next. Why let December 31 have all the fun? How bout May 19? Or August 27? When will they get their day in the sun??

I'm sure you'll be shocked to know I spent the last two NYE's alone. Don't cry for me, Argentina. It was of my own choosing. I didn't feel like paying $30 to hear some shitty band play ironic covers of the Black Eyed Peas while drinking 4oz cups of "open bar" beer in an attempt to pass the time til I got my free plastic glass of only the finest Cook's Champagne. Look it up. I dare you.

This year, however, will be different. Ol' Howie Hughes here will be venturing out into the public domain. Times Square, you ask? Nah, too cliche. Some trendy manner of club with all sorts of morally questionable females? Nope. If you're looking for me tomorrow, I'll be ringing in the New a bowling alley. Yes, a bowling alley. A good ol' honest-to-goodness, BYOB (that's beer, not ball), spray your own shoes, rack-em-up-knock-em-down bowling alley.

Why go out on this night, if I'm so opposed to it, you ask? Simple. If I'd been asked on any other night to go to a bowling alley or do something else, I'd choose bowling. And as I treat this night like any other...there you go. So yeah, I'll probably get blitzed. Might even start a fight or two. But NOT because it's New Year's Eve. It's just me being loveable, irrepressible me.

Enjoy your amateur night and phony sentiment...amateurs.

PS. Any of those above mentioned morally questionable females are more than welcome to be Walter Sobchak while I get my The Dude on.

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