May 24, 2011

I Got A Letter From The Government (Guess Who Has A Stalker!)

No, it didn't say they were suckers. In fact, of all the government letters I've received in my life, nary a one has been an admittance of suckership. I'm starting to wonder where Chuck D gets his facts from.

So what was it about?

Story time:

A few years back, 9 to be exact, a 17 year old Sy Barnaby was involved in an incident. And while I'm not at liberty to discuss the details, this incident resulted in a number of people being sent to federal prison. And this may or may not be because of what I may or may not have said about what I may or may not have seen. (Stop Snitchin' didn't become en vogue for a few years, so you'll have to forgive my squareness.) So, I got a letter today from the Federal Bureau of Prisons, notifying me that one of those lovely fellas is not only set to be released soon, but is headed back to my city.


Apparently this guy was in ADX Florence, Colorado. Never heard of it? Perhaps you're familiar with some of their current residents: Theodore Kaczynski, Eric Rudolph (Olympic Park bombing in Atlanta), Terry Nichols (Oklahoma City bombing), pretty much anyone involved in the 1993 World Trade Center attack, the planned attack on Fort Dix and some guy who was a spy for Russia.

Seriously. I couldn't find a current picture of the spy, but here's the wanted sign from the post office:

So yeah, the inmates at this place are a little beyond your average neighborhood tuffs.

As I let this information sink in, I knew I'd need a plan. Ya gotta figure after 9 years in prison, at an average of 3 rapings a day, this guy is probably gonna be a little miffed. I can't blame him, either. I don't care who you are, enough rapings can put anyone in a sour mood. For me, that number would be one.

So what did I do? I sought solace and knowledge in the one sure thing in my life: movies. If movies have taught me anything (and they've taught me EVERYTHING), it's that people will behave in predictable patterns that can be easily countered by referencing past actions. So as I see it, this whole square dance will play out in one of a few possible scenarios:

Scenario 1
"Cape Fear"

Cape Fear is the story of a homicidal rapist who seeks revenge on the crooked defense attorney who allowed him to be sentenced to 14 years in prison. Oh, and DeNiro does a funny voice.

How it pertains to me: This guy also spent time in solitude, away from any human contact. I'd imagine he partook in his share of prison rapes as well (hey, when in Rome!) So the anger is comparable. I'm assuming my soon-to-be-released friend has also spent his time memorizing Bible verses to use during a bloody combat scene with my hired goons.

(Sidebar: What is it about prison that leads people to "find" Jesus? I'm sure that's exactly what Jesus intended. For him to be "found" in the midst of violent rapes and Dickensian living conditions. I bet if He knew this was the thanks He'd get for chillin on that cross all that time, he'd at least give it a second thought.)

How it differs: The guy in my story was nowhere near as sharp a dresser. Also, my daily life doesn't have that awesomely menacing score running through it. I wish it did, though. In a weird coincidence, both Max Cady and my guy have forced themselves on Juliette Lewis, albeit in separate occasions. But that's a story for another time.

Scenario 2
"Cool As Ice"

This might not be obvious at first, given the emphasis on Mr. van Winkle's enthusiasm for motorbiking and 8 Ball jackets (and rightly so!). But the subplot here features Michael Gross (yes, THAT Michael Gross) under witness protection, being stalked by some bad dudes from his past.

Samesies: I imagine my future daughter will also fall for a no goodnik from the wrong side of the tracks. I will be judgmental of him, if only out of love for my daughter. But at some point, probably after he and his posse chase off the bad guys and he does a GNARLY trick on his bike, I'll realize that he's just misunderstood and a good guy after all. Then I'll dance with Naomi Campbell or something.

Differences: Ok, I'll admit. This was added mainly because there are still some people who haven't seen this movie. I don't think you understand, this is Vanilla Ice as James Dean as seen through the impressionable young eyes of Michael Rappaport. And Naomi Campbell is a backup dancer! What are you waiting for? Watch this fucking movie! Now!

Scenario 3
"Home Alone"

This is also the face I made when I got the letter today.

So basically, this is the greatest movie of all time. Not for introducing us to Mac Culkin. Nor for the comedic timing of Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern (who would go on to have a successful second career as NBA Commissioner. Congrats, Mr. Stern!) No, this movie earns a spot in history for teaching children the world over that strange adults are not to be feared. Rather, they should be tempted, practically invited, into your home. Then, you lower the BOOM!

I've booby trapped my house in the off chance that this guy decides to settle his score with me. We'll see how tough he is when I'm telling the filthy animal to keep the change. With all the intricate and elaborate traps I've set, I've effectively made myself a prisoner in my own home (only with slightly less violent rapes in this prison).

But it'll be worth it to see the look on his face when I use a blow torch to comically burn off the top of his hair. And did somebody say FLYING PAINT CANS?!? Oh yeah, it's on!

And just in case none of these traps work, I plan on shooting him square in the face with my newly acquired .357 Magnum revolver.

Hmmm...maybe I should just cut to that plan first.

It's weird. I always pictured my first stalker as an elderly German man, for some reason. And yeah, I know it's not official that he's stalking me, but the butterflies in my stomach sure make it feel real! This must be how a blushing bride feels on the eve of her wedding!

If anyone has any advice as to how to deal with a potentially murderous stalker (it's ok to play hard to get, right?), holler. I'm off to watch Cool As Ice for, like, the billionth time! Did you know Gwenyth Paltrow was originally offered the role of Ice's love interest? In that universe I like to imagine Vanilla Ice is the lead screamer of rap metal sensation Cold Play and Chris Martin is somewhere in London's East End break dancing with Dizzee Rascal.



  1. you could go the south park route. They got a kid sent to jail and when he got out, they just framed him for the same crime and got him sent away again.

  2. It could play out like the plot of American Kickboxer 1: your bol will come out of prison determined to gain back his glory by challenging you to a kickboxing match. Then there will be a lot of homoerotic touching and near-kissing and you'll need to turn the movie off before it finishes.

  3. I like the South Park idea, because if it backfires on me I'll just blame Parker and Stone like everyone else.

    The American Kickboxer scenario makes me a lil uncomfortable. I've done some things I'm not particularly proud of, but there's some lines I just won't cross. I don't think I could bring myself to kickbox. The gay stuff is cool, though.