May 28, 2011

Weekly Wrap Up (Death To Despots Edition)

As I alluded to with the first edition of I Watch It So You Don't Have To, I'm always trying to come up with new and interesting topics to write about. After much thought, I've settled for just something new. Each week I'll wrap up all the news that you need to know about. This way you can save time in your busy week and allow me to be the filter through which all your information is received.

Well, I don't think I could've picked a better week to start this wrap up feature. The last 7 days has seen countless lives torn apart, great uncertainty and left people wondering just what to do next. And that's just from Oprah retiring.

Oprah greets her minions. Not pictured (in belly): Gayle King

Oprah Retires

After a 25 year reign of terror, Chocolate Thunder called it quits this week. And though lonely housewives of America had been given plenty of time to prepare themselves, there were scenes across the country of soccer moms wandering around in trances like extras from The Happening. The economic ramifications of Oprah's abdication cannot be overstated. Sales of shitty self-help books are expected to plummet. On the plus side, sales of Xanax are expected to hit an all time high as the aforementioned housewives look to replicate the numbing, mindless experience of listening to Oprah for an hour 5 days a week.

Like any good tyrant, Oprah hand selected her successor. Some guy named Nate Berkus. I googled him, and this was the first picture that came up:

It Was The Maid In The Bedroom With The Vienna Sausage

Who would have thought that a former bodybuilder turned actor turned politician would be anything less than 100% forthright? I promised myself I wouldn't use any cheap puns from Arnold's movies, so I won't. Then again, Arnold probably promised Maria that he wouldn't have sex with a stereotype. So much for that. I'm no fan of Maria Shriver, as I found her Dateline reporting to be flimsy at best. Plus she cost me $1000 when she failed to win, place or show at the Preakness a few years ago. In other words, she's fucking horse faced.

But the maid, Arnie? Really? Her? She must have a bueno personality. All this does give Arnold some political cred, however. Whenever someone questions his stance on immigration, he can say he's explored immigrants inside and out. Also, somewhere out there's a runner up to 1975's Mr. Olympia with his fingers crossed that they have a morality clause. I wonder if Arnold tried to convince himself the growth in the maid's belly was a tumor.

Help Us, Helen Hunt

Look, I'm sorry I made those jokes about you, Helen Hunt. But this is no time to hold a grudge. Our country's heartland needs you. You and Bill Paxton. Or Pullman. Which one was it? Know what? Bring 'em both. I blame all these violent tornadoes on unsupervised super cells that were allowed to see Twister by themselves. Now there's all these copycat twisters causing all sorts of ruckus.

It's interesting to note that with all these tornadoes as of late, both Oprah and Mary Hart have gone into retirement. Sounds like someone's worried about a house falling on them. I made a joke about Joplin, Missouri being so FUBAR that they've changed their name to Janis Joplin, MO. Well, I learned (via Twitter) that people in Joplin don't find that funny. And out of respect for them, I will not repeat the joke. The joke about Joplin, MO changing its name to Janis Joplin, MO, on account of how destroyed it was by the tornado. I won't do it.

These Shows Are Still On?

American Idol, The Celebrity Apprentice and Dancing With The Stars all wrapped up their seasons this week. If people counted their age the way reality shows count their seasons, the average life expectancy would be about 158. I also don't believe the voting systems are legit. I can't. Are you telling me that 20 million people cared enough to vote for some dipshit country singer to have a 6 month career? You know things are bad when the guy from Big&Rich isn't even the most detestable country singer who's won a reality contest that week.

In "Poor Fat Girl" news, Hines Ward beat Kirstie Alley to win a trophy that will inevitably bear witness to Ben Rothlisberger's third strike. Let me repeat. Hines Ward, the professional athlete, beat a 50+ year old woman who has been a professional fat person for the last 20 or so years, in a dancing competition. This was the most lopsided competition since the handicap match of the bar waitress vs. the shrinking space in the bathroom stall and Ben Rothlisberger. Wait, did I already make a Ben Rothlisberger is a rapist joke? Oh well, good things come in twos. And judging by the uggos Big Ben goes for, so does he.

Quick Hits

-Serbia arrested war criminal Ratko Mladic. Somewhere in Rhode Island, someone made a snarky comment about the US arresting war criminal George W. Bush. This was met with nods of approval (both ironic and non-ironic) from unnecessarily bespectacled friends.

-Hey, Harold Camping, how bout the next time you predict the end of the world, you give us a spoiler alert first? Dick.

-Charlie Sheen is selling his infamous mansion. It is expected to remain in limbo for 3 months, until Ashton Kutcher finally buys it cause, ya know, he has nothing better going on.

-Part of Randy Savage's last request was that his theme song, Pomp and Circumstance, not be played at his services. Let's hope The Undertaker doesn't make the same request.

-Apparently The Amazing Kreskin doesn't require his manager to be amazing at returning e-mails. Even a basic form response would be acceptable. It's just polite, really.

Rest In Peace, Fred Sanford.
In your honor, this blog will not be televised.

Til next time, stay black.

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