Being a smug blog overlord is tough work. You're up against your own lack of motivation and viral videos of dogs talking about bacon. So, every now and then you have to spice things up. Thus, I humbly present a new feature, called I Watch It So You Don't Have To. Think of it as my version of At The Movies, except I'm still alive and have a jaw.
When deciding what movie to feature in the inaugural induction, many factors were considered. What does my audience like? What cinematic expressions speak to their experiences? And most importantly, can I rest peacefully knowing I've spread worthy art to those who wouldn't otherwise be exposed to it?
These questions were answered when I found ThanksKilling.
ThanksKilling (2009)
Those who know me know I'm a huge fan of horror movies. In fact, most of my friends won't watch movies I recommend simply because of my track record. Look, if I have to watch Martyrs, so do you. But more than horror movies, I'm a fan of hilarious movies. Be it intentional or not, hilarious movies are, to me, hilarious.
So what, then, when you combine a horror movie that is, at times, both intentionally and unintentionally hilarious?
I'm not sure where exactly to start with this one. The opening scene shows us an inexplicably topless pilgrim woman (who bears a striking resemblance to a washed up porn star) being murdered by a hatchet wielding, wise-cracking turkey. And things only get head scratchingly, groin grabbingly weirder from there.
The above picture is a scene in which the murderous turkey has cleverly donned a Groucho Marx disguise to gain access to the local sherriff's house. The local sherriff enjoys dressing as a giant turkey.
At some point, the turkey gets his Anton Chigurh on, walking around with a shotgun. And yes, every kill is accompanied with a pun that would make David Caruso put on two pairs of sunglasses. And no, the fact that this turkey is talking doesn't seem to faze anyone in the movie.
Which reminds me, I should get to the protagonists. Let's see, there's the college football jock (ably played by a 35 year old actor), the slutty chick, the less hot, only slightly less slutty chick, the big fat party animal and, of course, the nerd. Some die, some live. None of this is pertinent to the movie.
The star of this movie, outside of the murderous turkey, is the writing. There is not one missed opportunity for a horrible pun or innapropriate reaction. The best example is a scene in which the turkey finds the slutty chick having sex with her boyfriend, whom he swiftly murders. He then proceeds to rape the slutty chick, and when she turns around to see who's been sticking it to her, is told that "you just got stuffed!" At no point is the fact that a turkey has raped and murdered their friend used as motivation for revenge. I see this a commentary on millenial irony and desire for an impetus to act. Or, they just didn't care about the bitch cause she was a slut.
I don't want this review to come off as negative. I genuinely enjoyed this movie. And in the interest of full disclosure, it was made as a student film for $3,500 which has taken on a life of its own. It's achieved a considerable amount of success on NetFlix, and a sequel is underway. More info can be found here.
In closing, ThanksKilling is a mindless distraction that will at least get some "I can't believe I'm watching this shit" laughs out of you. However, I dare anyone to watch the touching tribute to Billy and not shed a tear. Rumor has it the sequel (or beakquel, amirite?) has a projected budget of $100,000. I, for one, am very interested to see what these promising film makers can do with a much larger budget.
Gobble gobble, mother fuckers.
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