May 16, 2011

Ok, That's Enough, White People

Been a bit, eh? Well, funny story, I had a brilliant piece ready to go that I'd worked on for quite some time. Months, actually. I was going to post it a few Sundays ago, but figured "eh, it can wait a day. The brilliance will still resonate." The title of the piece? "10 Reasons Why bin Laden Will Never Be Found." Thanks alot, Barack Obuzzkill.

So, white people. What's their deal? It always seems like they're either ruining the global economy or engaging you in awkward small talk at work that just NEVER. FUCKING. ENDS. Both are equally horrible.

But you know what? For all our heinousness, you gotta admit, we're kinda adorable. You just can't stay mad at us.

That is, until now...

As I alluded to, I can tolerate a lot of nonsense. It's really more a survival instinct than anything else. I absolutely would have killed myself years ago if I couldn't somehow justify in my mind why a just God would allow Mad About You to run for so many years (and then the syndication! My God, the syndication!) Really, Helen Hunt? She looks like that aunt you have that, ya know, might have at one point been vaguely hot, but you can tell a mixture of her love for her cats (which she "jokingly" refers to as her children) and a dependency on Bailey's Irish Cream have kept her from reaching any 6/10 potential she might have once had. Oh, and why's she always doing that weird squinting thing? She and Renee Zellwegger are a staring contest judge's worst nightmares. OPEN YOUR FUCKING EYES! This goes for you too, French Stewart!

Sorry, I just hate Helen Hunt. What was this about? Oh yeah, white people.

So like I said, I put up with a lot of crap. But recently, the caucasoids have been pushing it. And I've had alls I can stands and I can't stands no more.

"Don't Cha Wish Your Savior Was Right Like Mine"

Let's get one thing straight: I'm not hating on the kids in this video. Although I do plan on finding the boy in a couple years and punching him square in the face. He just has it coming.

No, the blame for this one lies squarely on the parents. Or the creepy youth minister pulling the strings off camera. Most likely the latter. I mean, who doesn't think teaching impressionable children to mock and deride other religions is simply precious? The uncomfortable dial goes up to 11 at the end when the aforementioned creepy youth minister encourages the kids for him. Can't imagine why YouTube hasn't removed it yet, since it's clearly going to be Exhibit A in numerous cases very shortly.

"Nu Thang"

Time travelling grown up Jon-Benet Ramsey introduces us to that Nu Thang. The lulz get off to a quick start when the kid who'd go on to star in Glee immediately contradicts himself by stating "God is doing a nu thang" then right after tells us how God's been the same "since the world began." I guess they spent all their lyric proof reading budget on snazzy purple shirts and renting space in time travelling Jon-Benet Ramsey's basement. Wonder how she felt about that.

Why is it that these crazy assholes always try to use little kids to convert people? First off, kids are assholes. This is a fact. Everyone knows it. Second, they don't know shit about shit. I issue an open challenge to any child. I will debate you, and make you cry. Pick the topic, I will fucking destroy you, you little shits!

Sorry. Back to the video. I gotta give MC Michael Clancy some props. Yeah, he's lacking in breath control. But you would be too if you were busting out running mans, spitting praiseful bars AND singing the hook! Oh, and would ya looky there! NO HYPE MAN! That's right. My man MC MC is doing a nu thang...ALL BY HIS DAMN SELF! Odd Future, take notes.

Alas, any goodwill he's built up is instantly wiped away by that shit eating, smug motherfucker grin he rocks at the end. Yeah, I bet you're doing a nu thang. It's called sex with homeless men for crystal meth.

Wow. That was kinda hateful. Even for me. Oh well.

Cloud 9 - "Keep Keepin' On"

Fuck these guys. True story: I have yet to make it past the second verse of this song. I just tried watching this video for the sake of destroying it in this blog, and I was so consumed with rage and hatred within the first 9 seconds that I blacked out. I awakened from my rage coma and gave it another shot.

Fuck these guys.

I guess these guys are a band. But hey, look, they rap, too! Cred! Couple things that stand out, why do they have their own bumper sticker on their own car? Seems kinda douchey. Oh, right. I forgot who this was.

Their haircuts suggest they've all been the victim of rape at one point or another. Their douchey accessories suggest that they enjoyed it. These dudes are so soft they fart rainbows.

Yo, no bullshit, half these dudes are in their mid-30s. That, or the frat rap lifestyle is rougher than it seems. Which wouldn't have to be that rough, as, again, these guys are bigger pussies than the space between Katie Morgan's legs.

At this motherfucker seriously playing a ukulele? I honestly don't know what one looks like, but it sounds like some shit I heard Tiny Tim play once. Ol' tiptoe through the tulips lookin' ass dudes.

Oh, good. Another verse from Andy Samberg's less intentionally funny cousin. Just what this song needed. Jesus Christ, a fucking ukulele solo? 

Fuck these guys.

Holy shit. Now they're all singing into the same microphones. This isn't real. It can't be. And yet, these guys seem to have a fan base. Right now, somewhere in Wannarapeastan, Al-qaeda is using this video to fuel hatred for the United States. And I bet it's working like a charm. Cause I'm ready to go jihad on these motherfuckers myself.

I pray almost every day for an end to every life threatening disease. But tonight, I offer a different prayer. Tonight, I pray that every last one of those douches from Cloud 9 gets cancer in their dicks, AIDS in their asses and polio in their throats. Then, and only then, will I be on cloud nine.

Fuck those guys.

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