June 10, 2011

Weekly Wrap Up (Tracy's A Girl's Name Edition)

Yes, I intend to do these wrap ups every week, but I was sidetracked by doing things that are more fun than writing on the webbernets. Basically, I just discovered Angry Birds. How come no one told me how much fucking fun this game is?!

Let us continue.

Something Something Penis Pun

Does this look like the face of a guy who would send you pictures of his junk? Actually, it's exactly what a guy who would send you pictures of his junk would look like. Everything about this guy screams potentional sex offender. From his pedosmile to his creepy "I'm penetrating your soul" gaze. Then again, politicians have been crossing these lines since the days of Caligula. I say we handle it the way the Romans did: lure him and his family to a secluded undeground tunnel and savagely beat them to death in a way that their remains could never be identified. That's the appropriate response to sexting, right?

I Alright, Jack

I understand why people had a problem with what Dr. Jack did. I, for one, hope my loved ones suffer unbearably and die with zero dignity intact. That's the way God wants it. So what if he talked Grandma into pulling the cord a little early? Just look at that face. How can you stay mad at him? He's what The Crypt Keeper would look like if he ever became a real boy. I wonder if he ever threw in any puns when he was doing his job. Like, maybe if someone almost lived when he was euthanizing them, he could pretend to wipe sweat from his brow and say "Whew, that was a ghost call!"


Outside of my roomate's odd obsession with Teen Mom, MTV doesn't get a lot of play in my house. So it came as a pleasant little surprise that they still deem themselves qualified to give out awards for movies. Personally, I don't think any group responsible for Joe's Apartment should be in a position of cinematic judgment. Since all awards shows have devolved to corporate circle jerks, Twilight got a bunch of handys this year. I'm guessing MTV has some kind of money vested in those movies. What else happened? Oh yeah, the vampire made out with the werewolf. Somewhere, James Cagney and Jimmy Stewart are looking down upon all this. And making out with each other.

Tracy Morgan Is Controversial?!

Once again, America has proven to the rest of the world that we are incapable of getting jokes, unless they're spoon fed to us by "cable guys" or all prettied up with crazy gesticulation ala Dane Cook. That reminds me, I need to contact Netflix. It seems as though they've mistakenly placed Dane Cook's specials in the comedy section. I'd hate for someone to accidentally put one on in the hopes of laughing.

So, Tracy Morgan said some things about the gays that the gays and the straights both don't like. What I take offense to is that what Tracy said wasn't funny. The first rule of comedy is that it's not offensive if it's funny. Need proof? See Michael Richards' rant from a few years ago. A middle age white guy yelling the N-word, while inexcusable, is nothing new. But the heinous part is that the person doing it was allegedly doing it in an attempt at humor.

I don't think this is as bad as that. But what I'm curious about is what kind of material did the person who brought this to the media's attention expect? Were they at all familar with Tracy Morgan? The guy's made a living playing an exaggerated (maybe) version of himself: loud, ridiculous and ignorant as hell. And he's great at it. At least, good enough for people to pay to see him do that very act live. If I go to a Gallagher (or Black Gallagher) show, I'm expecting to leave with bits of watermellon about my person.

So it stands to reason that if I go to a show by, say, Tracy Morgan, I'm expecting to feel horrible for being a white person. And I'm going to laugh my ass off in the process. Last year, a similar thing happened out in, I believe, California. Dave Chappelle was doing a show and a lesbian was offended by his use of the phrase "titty balls." Seriously. Titty. Balls. Those two words, separate, are funny. Combined, I want to punch a bunny in the face out of sheer hilarity.

Now, I understand sexual preference is a sensitive issue. And rightly so. There's still a lot of hurdles to jump til there's true equality. But we're not talking about equality here. We're talking about professional funny people using words like titty balls. There's a time and place to get offended. It almost seems as if the people making a scene are going to these shows by comedians who are known for their controversial opinions, just to have something to draw attention to their cause.

It's not like Brian Regan is unleashing a flury of out of the blue slurs on you. This is Tracy Morgan and Dave Chappelle. If you're paying money to see them, you've followed them enough to know that they're going to say some things that make you uncomfortable. That's part of what humor does. It makes you examine yourself and and laugh at the inherent ridiculousness in all of us. We all have differences, and they can be explored for comedy purposes. But we're also all alike. Some have titties. Some have balls. And the fortunate amongst us, have both. Titty balls, bitches.

Quick Hits

- Headline on CNN's site: "Clinton Squashes Future Job Rumors." I couldn't stop giggling so I never clicked it.

- With these full face transplants being done more frequently, I can't help but think how spoiled kids will be in the future. On the plus side, I look forward to being an old man and talking about how "when I was a kid, you got one face and that was that. A guy really knew how to take care of his facial region in my day."

- I've really been tempted to volunteer to help during these natural disasters we've had the last few years. What will it take? Something to happen to Hawaii.

- I support the Dutch's decision to ban pot sale to tourists. After all, you wouldn't want a reputation to spread about a place where you can literally window shop for human beings to use for sex.

- If you're looking for Carmen San Diego, try searching for her under her old country name, Whale's Vagina.


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