Music Review: ApologetiX

The Lord works in mysterious ways. Be it by sending tornadoes to Massachusetts or sending Christian parody songs my way while I'm looking for things to write about. Just as The Weather Channel is now showing live coverage when there's even the slightest chance of a twister, so too am I on the look out for a good parody.

Sometimes we get what we're looking for. And sometimes we get much, much more.

So the other day, through some sort of divine intervention, I stumbled upon a song called Sounds of Silas. Outside of the obvious misspelling of my name, I naturally presumed it to be some sort of ode to my hilarious hilariousness. Why some group named ApologetiX (whom I'd never heard of before this) would 1)know who I am or 2)write a song about me, didn't really occur to me. I just figured they knew how awesome I was and that I enjoy Simon and Garfunkel. Wrong and wronger.

This is a song about the biblical character, Silas. And you know what? It's about time. Because if there's one thing kids want to hear, it's a song from the 60s, stripped of any secular meaning and formed around a guy who's the biblical equivalent to an early episodes recurring character, but not quite a regular in the show.

I'll give it to 'em, they got Rhymin Simon's voice down pretty well. Other than that, I'm not sure this song qualifies so much as a parody as it does a song that steals the music of another song for its own religious driven purposes.

So who are Apologetix? I refused to go to their website, as I'd spent the last few days listening to their songs and didn't want to leave a mess of my brains on my bedroom wall for my roommate to clean up. Because that's what would have happened. So, according to their Wikipedia:

ApologetiX is a Christian parody band from. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, USA The band was founded in 1992, and since then, has played in 44 states,^[1] released 17 studio albums,^[2] and built up a fan club that includes 45,000 people.^[1] The band is currently composed of J. Jackson on vocals, Keith Haynie on bass guitar, Jimmy "Vegas" Tanner on drums, Bill Hubauer on keyboard and Tom Milnes and Tom Tincha (a.k.a. "TNT"), both on lead guitar.^[3]
ApologetiX gets their name from the word "apologetics," which is a defense of the Christian faith.^[2] It is based on the Greek word for defense, "apologia." The word is used in 1 Peter 3:15, "But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer (defense or "apologia") to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect..." (NIV).^[4] Their logo, a triquetra, is an ancient symbol of the Holy Trinity.^[2]

In other words, they're totes gay for Jesus. And they seem to be going for the young, impressionable market, as they cover songs like "Lose Yourself" by Eminem and "In The End" by Linkin Park. Nothing at all creepy about a bunch of grown men trying to impose their religious beliefs on kids through popular music. If only these guys were around in the 70s, they could have been Jim Jones' opening act.

As a confirmed satanathiest, meaning Satan doesn't believe in my existence, I don't really gel with their messages. But that's cool. It's always do what you feel like day in my world. Where I gots beef is their method. If the songs they're "parodying" are so evil that they need to be all Jesus'd up, then why draw attention to them by covering them? And I guess it's ok for these guys to study these songs since they're doing it for the big white guy in the sky, right?

They consider themselves a cross between Weird Al and Billy Graham. If by this they mean the religious conviction of Al Yankovic and comedy stylings of Billy Graham, then yes. I'm sure Jesus is just thrilled that he spent all that time, dying a slow, agonizing death, the likes of which none of us could ever comprehend the anguish of, so that 2000 years later, a group of zany guys in bowling shirts would one day deliver his message via the musical accompaniment of Daniel Powter's "Bad Day." Cause if there's one thing Jesus knows about, it's having a bad day.

Again, I have nothing against Christianity, or any religion. This world is so fucked up that whatever ridiculous deity one chooses to worship is fine by me, if that's what it takes to get them through the day.

But I will be God damned, perhaps literally, if I will sit back and allow someone to corrupt the inherent purity of Freebird by Lynyrd MOTHERFUCKING Skynyrd, the way these Darwin deniers have.

I don't think there was even any real biblical message in this song! Or perhaps I was just seething with such rage that my ears sensed my pending implosion and in an act of self-perseverance, ceased to function for the remainder of this botched abortion of a parody.

I'll give them their props though, for this version of Enter Sandman.

This is funny for a few reasons. 1) Metallica are such pussies at this point, I'm pretty sure ApologetiX would kick their asses if it came to it. 2) These guys doing their version of what they think a "rock" concert is, is akin to me doing my version of what I think a Japanese vomit fetish session would be like. Sure, we can watch all the videos of them online that we want, but in order to recreate it, you just gotta be there.

Maybe I'm taking this too seriously. These guys probably aren't hurting anyone. And anyone who gets "converted" by their whimsical tunes was probably leaning that way anyway. In fact, I think I'm approaching this all wrong. I'm going to look up the next time they're in my area. And I'm going to go to their show. Maybe even get an interview with them. And then, using my new found connections, I will attempt to give every single attractive female at the concert their very own immaculate conception.

I will get them closer to God.

PS. I'd love to see these guys do a parody of Slayer.