January 27, 2011

Requiem For A Sheen

It's been a while since I've written. Simply put, I've lacked the subject with such import to warrant a post on a blog of such esteem. Sadly, I've found just such the cause.

Carlos Irwin Estevez, profesionally known as Charlie Sheen, was hospitalized this morning. And while the usual suspects (TMZ, Gawker, etc) are now classifying it as a hernia condition which he's suffered for quite some time, it's apparent to any true fan what has occured. Charlie Sheen overdosed whilst in the midst of a 36 hour feast of cocaine bricks and porn star flesh. In this initial period of confusion and unsettlement, it's easy to compare this to something of the nature of, say, the assassination of John F. Kennedy or even the ill-fated blast off of the Challenger in 1986.

And it would also be an apt comparison.

Much as the nation lost its hope with JFK and its unbridled wonder with the Challenger, so too have we lost our sense of what is right in the universe today. For many years, we've known Charlie Sheen as the posterboy for 80s excess, 90s redemption, late 90s relapse, early 00s redemption, and again, '10s relapse and excess. Relexcess. What the media is trying to do is take away that image of Mr. Sheen. By saying Mr. Sheen was suffering from a mere hernia, they are attempting to portray him as one of "us." We know better. To say Charlie Sheen is "like" us is to challenge Zeus himself to a race around the world on the mighty pegasus. We simply are not worthy.

Who amongst us might lay claim to running trains on the HOT broads from the Brat Pack movies(sorry, Molly Ringwald)? Which one of you will enter the wretched, miserable, piss poor city of Cleveland, Ohio with no fear of being raped, robbed, or being given tickets to a Cavs game? Lest thy name be one Charlie Sheen, none! Such is his power that he has a lifetime pass in such a horrible place for simply portraying a fictionalized (yet very understated) version of himself in a movie about some baseball team.

Let me make myself clear. I am in no way condemning Mr. Sheen. It is the media who deserves scorn. It was the classic coke snorting, hooker patronizing, "who me?" mugshot version of Charlie that we not only accepted, but embraced. We shook our heads at it when he messed up. We nodded to each other approvingly when he promised he was done with that stuff. We looked upon it quizzically when he relapsed. Through 2 Iraq wars, attacks upon our country, 2 Bush administrations and a Sarah Palin reality show, this was the one constant upon which we could depend. And the media would have it taken away from us with this ruse of a hernia.

Nay, I say, Nay! What Charlie Sheen did was massive, unhuman amounts of cocaine with a disreputable cast including adult film stars and questionable business associates. Hernia? Hardly! Only if it came from lifting the designer briefcase loaded with brick upon glorious brick of cocaine!

I am not one to force my religion upon others. However, if you're reading this, you feel similar to I and countless others. So I humbly offer this simple mantra that you may alter to whatever deity may suit your needs.

Dear Lord God or whatever manipulative Gepeto-like figure is pulling our strings from on high: I don't often do this, especially not on public forums, but I could really use a solid right now. Please protect and keep Charlie Sheen in your good graces as he recovers from his 36 hour multiple cocaine brick binge so that he might return to provide us with lulz-inducing tales of terrified porn stars, misplaced rolexes and the on-set antics of one Jon Cryer. This I humbly ask of you. Amen.

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