January 15, 2011

The Worstest Time I Was Drunk Ever

So, since this blog has seemed to have quickly taken on the attitude of drunken miscreants, I thought I'd write about one of my worst best times.

I was 18 years old. There was vodka. Damned if I could tell ya what kind. There was snow. I damn well remember it was maybe about 3 inches. I was fired from my first real "adult" full time job about a week or so before hand. We started at my buddy's house, and made my way to another buddy's house, where there were women and more booze. All of these elements had me feeling a certain kind of way. What kind of way, you ask? The best way to classify it would be Peter Pan-ish. Meaning I believed, against every better sense of judgment, that I could fly. Yes, I was a real boy that night. No long chasing my shadow. No longer accepting thimbles as kisses. I was on some "fuck Rufio, I GOT THIS!" type steez that night.

Tinkerbell is not real. You know what is? Newton. Or, at least, his law of gravity. Cause I went up and came down...HARD. And what followed were the scariest 15-20 seconds of my life that I (hope) will ever have. I couldn't feel my arms. I couldn't breathe. I could look up at my friends who were mirroring the same sense of fear and "wtf-ness" that I was exuding from my insides. I couldn't feel my legs. I thought I had finally done did it. Pushed things just a little too far. This was gonna be something that I'd always look back on like "why? Was it worth it?" I'd always been a very active guy, played sports my entire life. And now, at 18, I'd probably never move on my own again. And it was all my own fault. I realized there was a funny tingling in my spine that was quickly heading towards my neck. Thankfully by the time that tingling reached my brain, something sent a shock to my extremities to wake them up, and I could breathe a brief sigh of relieft. I wasn't paralyzed. But HOLY FUCK was I ever in an EXTREME WORLD OF PAIN!!!!! And I deserved every ounce of it.

I spent the next month and a half or so walking with a cane. I was able to conceal what happened to my parents. At least until now, assuming they don't read this.  The doctor at the ER told me that I came within a few feet of not making it at all, and a few inches of being paralyzed for life. And if my parents do eventually read this, I apologize for making such a stupid decision, and also for not being upfront about it.

You always see on those ABC Family specials that someone in this case makes the most of their second chance and graduates from Harvard and finds a cure to the disease that threatened their very life. That's not real. The most positive thing I can think of to come from this stupidity of mine, is to NEVER EVER  do something that you think might impress someone else. And that ranges from changing how you look to jumping off of a roof onto a very lightly snow covered yard.

Unless, of course, the girl is REALLY, REALLY, HOT!

And since you've all been such good sports to indulge me in this After-School Special entry, here's a pic of fine ass Mila Kunis.

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