February 22, 2011

Your Facebook Sucks (And Here's Why)

So I was thinking the other day. And then I stopped. Then I started again. I thought, "Gee, how can I separate my blog from the literally hundreds of other blogs out there?" And then it hit me. A wall. I should stop walking and thinking at the same time. Then I had an idea: original content! The type you can get nowhere else but right here at Required Reading! And thus I present:


As I see it, there are a few distinct Facebook personalities that people seem to take on. Usually these are just extensions of their every day personalities. But in some cases, these Facebook personalities manifest themselves in ways that the person (or host, as it were) never saw coming. Regardless of where the persona stems from, they all suck equally hard (nh). Let's get into it then, yeah?
   Personality the First: "Everything I Do Is Interesting!"
This first personality is the most common. Easy to spot because they update their status every 20 fucking seconds to the point that you're intimately informed of their dinner, the following bowel movement and the crucial "OMG JUST WEIGHED MYSELF LOST 2 1/2lbs BIKINI WEATHER COME SOON!!!!!" piece de resistance. This wouldn't be a problem if their lives weren't so damn boring. I can deal with my feed being flooded by one person, so long as it's interesting. What is interesting? I don't know. But I do know that in no point in recorded history has "going to Whole Foods, pricey but SOOO worth it!!!!" been considered interesting. Not even during the Plague, and they were desperate for information back then.

Recommendation: Get a dog. Tell it every little juicy nugget of info that you'd otherwise share on Facebook. Then, when Fido kills himself out of sheer despair, post it on Facebook. It will be the first, and probably last, interesting thing you've ever told us. Bonus points for pics.

Personality Numero Dos: The Acknowledgment Prostitute (aka Attention Whore)
      I know what you're thinking. "Sy, didn't you just cover this one?" First off, don't sass me. Second, no. While similar, and within the same family of the Everything I Do Is Interesting animal, the Attention Whore takes everything up a level. Much like our first subject, the Attention Whore will inundate you with a new status update every time you check your Facebook. Where this beast differs is that theirs will actually be something interesting. Too interesting. To the point where you feel awkward for knowing what they've told you (and the 1,296 "friends" of theirs, 85% of which she wouldn't recognize if they were stitched ass-to-mouth in a German scientist's basement). To the Attention Whore, the only taboo is not sharing the wonderful news that "hey, guess what? Just got my period, yall! Time for drinks with the ladies!!!!!" And while I'm normally thrilled to know that these types have not yet reproduced, I simply don't need to see it at 7am before I've even had my morning wank session. A little decorum, please?

Recommendation: Have the Everything I Do Is Interesting type adopt you as a pet.

Personality Three (Back In Training): Face(lift)Bookers
We all know this type. How do we know them? We're friends with them. And why are we friends with them? Because they're our parents. Or aunts. Or uncles. Or creepy older cousins. And yes, sometimes, even our grandparents. Side note: I kinda wish my grandmom would get Facebook if only for the inevitable hilariousness of when she tries to Facebook me some eggs and a bagel for breakfast.

Bottom line: These people have no business on Facebook. And they likely only have an account to maintain some faint connection to us, no matter how contrived. And ya know what? I approve. Anytime an older person goes out of their comfort zone to learn something new, they should be applauded. But then there are the ones who just can't leave well enough alone. They comment on your drunken photos. They ask you at Christmas dinner what "fap" means and why you constantly make reference to it. And perhaps worst of all, they randomly write on your wall how much they love you and how special you are. Being cared about is for faggots.

PS. You can spot these types in real life because they wear hats like the one above with no apparent sense of irony.

Recommendation: Stay on Facebook, but treat it as a spectator sport. Not everyone is meant to be a player.

Personality IV: The Comedian
Of all the types listed here, this guy may just be the worst (not Louis CK, he's tits). Never wasting an opportunity to get in one of his "hilarious" zingers, one-liners or puns, he truly is his own biggest fan. Rather than use Facebook as a way to interact with others, he's zoned in on how he can show everyone what a clever, clever fella he is. And if you happen to have the best joke in an exchange? AW HELLS NO! He will not stop until he has won the war of wits that is only taking place in his maladjusted head.

That's not to say this type is completely void of merit. More often than not you'll at least get a chuckle, if not an audible lol, from his various witticisms. However, quality over quantity is key here. Everyone enjoys a good joke. But they will unfriend your ass if all they see is lame attempts at being funny.

Recommendation: Quit wasting your time on Facebook if you think you're that funny. Go and share your "gift" with the world. Or at the very least start a blog and save your best stuff for it. Yes, the ironing is delicious.

So that does it. There are more Facebook personalities which I'll touch on (nh) at a later date. And if you're one of my Facebook friends and think these apply to you, it does. Step ya social networking game up, dunnies.



  1. You rite good.

    I totally enjoyed reading this.


  2. get a life. the only person who thinks this is worthy of the probably hours you took editing it to try & be funny is the ONE yes.. sadly.. count him.. ONE loser above who has commented in an entire YEAR of this being circulating and who clearly has the education of an ant. Oh wait! You have THREE members. My bad. FOUR people who MAY think this is worthy. Five if we include you. As far as I can tell you fall into your own Personality I AND IV. Take my advice and don't waste your time trying to be funny with more "Facebook Personalities" CLEARLY no one gives a shit! Oh.. and you should probably be careful of who's pictures you steal, you could (and I hope you do) get slammed with copyright infringement. Totally pissed that the 60 seconds it took me to read this I will never get back. Now I'm going to go "un-friend" the person who dared to post this crap on my Facebook feed.

    1. First, I'm glad you understand how jokes work. That's important. Second, I would love to address your various concerns, but I don't engage the anonymous. The fact you chose to post anonymously tells me you're a coward. When you'd like to use your big boy (or girl) name, then we can have a conversation as adults.

      Sy "Please Don't Sue Me And Take My Precious Blog" Barnaby

      PS. You clearly gave a shit to comment a year later. Love you, boo.