March 22, 2011

The Greatest Thing I'll Never Use

If there's one thing I believe in, it's the existence of highly evolved life on other planets. If there are two things I believe in, it's the existence of highly evolved life on other planets and my right to ridicule those I deem ridiculable. For the record, there are numerous things in which I believe, otherwise this blog would be nothing more than my mocking aliens from my lofty perch upon Mother Earth.

As someone who's found little to no use for sleep, I've been privy to a great deal of things most will never see. But this morning, at 4:30am, I found this gem. I present to you:

At this point, I'm sure your natural sense of wonder has completely consumed your very being. Questions such as "For who? For why? and What the fuck?" are stampeding through your cerebellum like inquisitive cattle on a vast range of uncertainty. Allow me to be lazy and answer your questions with a video I had nothing to do with creating.

Confession time: I basically just skipped around that video. There's no way I'm watching 4 minutes of that nonsense. And since I'm guessing you did the same, allow me to surmise based on the little bit I watched and what I pieced together in my brain.

So, apparently this is a product made for fatties by Russel Simmon's ex-wife. Why did she make a product she'd have no real use for herself? I don't know. But that's Kimora for ya. Always hustling.

This thing gives fatty boom booms an "immediately" improved figure. How? It looks like they wrap this thing around their large doughyness and it does the rest. From what I can tell, the inside of the material has been coated with a rare bacteria formerly found only in the stomach lining of Bolivian fighting beetles. Again, Kimora, always thinking outside the box.

Note in this before and after the difference. Before: you could mistake this fatty for a human. After: the fatty is revealed as the shapeless, lifeless form it should be, with no danger of human contact in its immediate future.

Jumping ahead, it looks like the fatties get a lot of extra things when they buy Miss Lee Simmons' product. This is helpful as it provides more monies for the fatties to buy essential fattening products such as pizza and human babies.


Later, the video shows fatties successfully wearing normal human clothes, such as "white pants." Apparently this device allows them to do this with no fear of their fatty demon tails being exposed. Yay fatty demons, rejoice!

I didn't bother catching a price for this thing, but I can only assume a going rate of about $39.99, or as fatty demons would know it, roughly one 7 months old baby arm covered in delicious pizza sauce. I encourage all fatty demons to buy this, and continue supporting the Simmons/Lee Simmons Empire in all its Def Jammy Phat (no, not that fat, silly demons! lolz) Farmy glory.

My only complaint? That these magnificent contraptions don't come in a version for male fatties.



  1. I swear this is one of the funniest blogs on the net. Your URL is ridiculously long and stupid, though. Let's work on that, and a decent layout pal.

    Fucking killer content, I swear.

  2. Agree all around. I'll fix the layout before the next update.

    Just for you, cupcake.