March 29, 2011

Your Facebook STILL Sucks

A few weeks ago I took a look at the various personalities that permeate the Facebook realm. And since I can't leave well enough alone (not to mention Charlie Sheen didn't pick me as his intern, so no more free pub for you, Carlos!), I've decided to tarnish any genuine qualities the original post had by rehashing the idea to include a few of the Facebook dwellers I overlooked.

Rebel With Too Many Causes

With the advent of the internet and, more recently, social networking, many individuals and organizations have used this connectivity to aid some very worthy causes and charities. Not one of these people uses facebook.

The Rebel With Too Many Causes is usually unemployed, under-employed or a lazy house wife. They view the world through the filter of either MSNBC or Fox News, no gray area. And that's fine, history has been filled with idiots who don't matter. But this new age of self-publication (oh man, am I setting myself up or what?) allows these mouth breathers to drag other people into their nonsense. Not a day goes by without someone asking me to "like" something to show that I support the troops, or repost the pledge of allegiance as my status to prove that I am a real American (fight for what's right, fight for your life!).

What's most striking about this type, is their utter refusal to go into the real world and act upon any of their beloved causes, thus turning us into a nation of stay-at-home activists with no threat of affecting change. Zuckerberg won't suffer any Bolshevism!
(And yes, I realize the recent uprisings in Tunisia, Egypt, etc... were largely fueled by social networking. But facts  have no place in this blog.)

Recommendation: Move to Libya. Not to take part in a real revolution; rather, you'll probably die there and that's probably the best outcome you can hope for at this point.

The Collector

The Collector is winning at Facebook. The only problem is, they're the only one competing. They collect friends like Ben Rothlisberger collects rape victims: one creepy friend request at a time. It doesn't matter if they only met you once through your cousin's fiance's sister's gynecologist. They're your friend, dammit, and you will accept them! 

The true collectors will do what I call the pre-emptive friend request, or friend prequest, if you will. This is when they become friends with someone and start stalking through that person's friends list. Anyone who looks like someone they might potentially meet at some point, they send a request to. This way if they do meet this person in real life, they have the not-at-all psycho ice breaker of "hey, I think we're friends on facebook already", thus luring their victim new friend into a false sense of security. I mean, anyone you know online can't possibly turn out to be a bad person, right?

I approach facebook like a slum lord would his apartment building. Could I fit over 500 people in there? Sure. But why? A comfortable number is the 150-200 range, and 200 is pushing it. So every now and then, when my building is getting a little too crowded, much like a slum lord, I eliminate my tenants. Don't ask questions.

Recommendation: Become my friend, then friend prequest Jack Kevorkian.

Annie Leibovitz

The Annie Leibovitz' of facebook are probably the most common of the trolls. These are the people who can't go a day without posting a picture of something that nobody cares about. They are your friends, your mothers and the bane of your facebook existence. So diverse is this type, they can be broken down into a few unique sub genres.

My Kids Are Interesting!
People have been forcing pictures of their kids on uncomfortable bystanders since the dawn of time. Somewhere there are cave etchings of some unibrowed beast woman showing her neighbor cave etchings of how little Bam Bam just discovered his even littler bam bam.

Fast forward to the current day and this personality flaw has yet to be bred out of the human race. These people believe their kids are special and talented and beautiful. Well, they might be "special", but that's about it. I never understood when people say babies are beautiful. No. At most, they're inoffensive looking. But most are fucking hideous. And yet that doesn't stop these post-partem mommy's from having more pics of naked babies on their computer than Gary Glitter.

Gone Fishin' (for compliments)
Again, girls fish for compliments like guys fish Nothing new. But now they have a virtual audience to heap adulation upon the pyre of their decaying egos. Ever notice how you don't see ugly broads posting their pics on facebook? It's always the hot ones. And it's the hot ones who already know their hot. And they know you know they're hot. There are always guys who think that their hollow compliment will be the one to win her over. It won't. Best way to deal with these girls is ignore them. Eventually they'll be friend prequested by The Collector.

Oh, and then there are the guys who put up their self-portraits. So loathsome are these creatures, the only advice I can give is for fathers to play catch with your sons. This should greatly reduce the amount of this specific type of offender.

    This concludes my facebook ranting (for now). Hopefully there's another huge disaster or violent uprising, so I have something else to write about.

1 comment:

  1. Facebook (or as I like to call it, Fecesbook) has a way of homogenizing otherwise charming and intelligent people into blithering morons. Everyone is an asshole on Facebook. As a famous computer once pointed out: the only winning move is not to play.